Retired Bar Star

I stopped going to bars a few years ago. I just felt like I wasn’t in the same mindset as most of the people who were there. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a bar and I chose to stay sober. Now, some of you might be wondering why I chose to stay sober? For a lot of reasons, actually. But mainly because having to care for a baby while dealing with a hangover could be considered a form of torture.  So because I was sober, I really got to observe a lot while I was out. And I realized I am so over the bar scene and would honestly rather stay home, and here’s why:

  • I can drink at home and it costs nothing. Ok, well maybe not nothing. But all it costs is $15 for a bottle of wine. If I drank the equivalent of a bottle of wine at the bar, it would cost me $60 or maybe even more depending on how generous I am tipping. Also, when I am home and drinking, I don’t need to try to walk in 3 inch stilettos. And that is not an easy task when you’re sober! Doing it drunk just seems like a quick way to end up with a sprained ankle!
  • It’s damn loud! I know I sound like a grandmother saying that, but holy shit, I could hardly hear anything anyone said to me. I did a lot of smiling and nodding for a good part of the evening. It seemed to work because people would laugh at me and then take a selfie. If I want to be in a loud place, I can do it for free at home (notice the trend here?) Between the baby babbling or crying, the kids TV shows and the endless music making toys, the last thing I want on a night out is more noise. A fun night out for me involves early dinner and a movie. And I don’t even care what the movie is; I just want to sleep during it.
  • The clothing. So, when I was hitting up the bars in my younger years, most girls wore jeans and tank tops at the bar. The odd girl wore a skirt or a dress. And they were short but not THAT short. But now? Wow. I am all about wearing whatever you are comfortable in. If you want to be all Lady Gaga-like and dress in a really funky fashion, go for it. Rock on sister friend. And if you want to show your assets, power to you! As long as you are comfortable. But how can someone be comfortable when their hoo-ha is one light breeze away from being exposed? I watched one girl pull at her dress about 27 times in a 5 minute span. She was clearly uncomfortable and kept trying to cover herself, but the problem was, she wasn’t wearing enough to be covered! Eventually she got drunk and stopped caring. And I am pretty sure I saw things that only her boyfriend or gynecologist should see.
  • Sometimes, it really is just a girl’s night and I don’t want anyone buying me drinks. I think that unless I am interested in the person, it is wrong to accept. So, this guy who was easily fifteen years my senior wanted to buy me a drink. I said no thank you. He insisted. I said I wasn’t drinking. He asked why. The quickest thing I could come up with was “because I’m pregnant.” Nothing sends a man running any faster haha. He backed off after that. This is why all of my future girl’s nights are going to be at home with tons of chocolate, wine and Netflix.
  • The music…most of it I have never heard before. I must be getting old as dirt because I knew less than 10% of the music that was being played. And the hilarious part is, almost every time a song would come on, a bunch of girls would be all like ‘this is my jam!!! AHHHH!!!’ and run to the dance floor. Meanwhile I’m left scratching my head like I have a bad case of lice trying to figure out what song it is, who sings it and why I don’t know it.
  • Oh, the bathroom antics. First of all, women are fucking disgusting. The bathrooms are always repulsive at bars. Toilet paper everywhere. Tampon wrappers on the floor. Dripping wets rolls of paper towel on the sink that I don’t want to touch. I think it’s a prerequisite that you need to be drunk to use the bathroom so that you’re oblivious to its nastiness. And there are always two types of people who can be found in every bar bathroom. A puker and a crier. The puker is heaving her guts up in a stall. She comes out with her eyes bloodshot and her make-up smeared. She quickly checks her hair and splashes some water on her face/in her mouth…and then goes right back to the dance floor like nothing happened. Ummmm…. wtf!? After I puke, I brush my teeth for ten minutes, take a shower and then curl up on the couch and wallow in self-pity. But nope, not at the bar. Those girls are determined that they aren’t going home till the lights come on. And the crier. Yes, we know. We’ve all been there. No one bought you a drink, your boyfriend is mad that you’re out for the 4th time this week. Your hair doesn’t look right. You look fat in all of your selfies. Your friends are mad at you because you got too drunk too fast. Suck it up, princess. The lights will be on soon and then you will be passed out in a cab with all of your bathroom woes long forgotten.

So it seems my bar days are truly over. I really can’t think of one single reason as to why I would even want to go. Maybe I’m getting old? Maybe motherhood has changed me more than I realized? Maybe I’m a total stick in the mud? I don’t know and frankly, I don’t care! I am just not feeling it any more. I was a bar star when I was 19, 20, 21…but now, the only kind of bar I am into is a chocolate bar. Preferably KitKat or Twix!


3 thoughts on “Retired Bar Star

  1. Katie – this is great! Loving your blog posts! I have also been out of the bar scene for a long time but every now and then I get the itch and find myself just wanting to dance my heart out on some dance floor with a beer in my hand…. probably once every two years to be exact! It’s hilarious how being a mother changes you and how at times everyone is stupid except you haha… and then, sometimes when you are drunk dancing on the sticky dance floor, you are also the stupid one. Thankfully, we are old enough to know better, still young enough to let loose a little and in our own way and wise enough to know when it’s appropriate! Great read!


  2. Oh man, I am so with you. I kinda grew out of the bar scene a little faster than most because I’ve got this Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde thing going on where I’m extroverted some of the time and HUGELY introverted the rest of the time, but ignoring that I still totally get you. There just came a point (and it came pretty much at the same time for Jason and I) where we looked around the bar, looked at each other, and thought, “What the hell are we doing here?” It’s still fun sometimes to go out with some friends, to play some pool or what-have-you, but for the most part it’s just so much better to drink at home. MUCH cheaper, all your food is there, and it’s not like you can’t blare music or put a game on the TV at your own home, right? SO much better. lol


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