Dear Future Husband

I’ve been hearing this super catchy song on the radio a lot lately, it’s by Meghan Trainor and she is basically talking to her future husband and telling him all of the things he should do to keep her happy. The song is cute and catchy but I don’t think she is being honest enough. She says that she wants flowers and a ring and that he should apologize after every fight. Yeah, that’s nice enough but let’s be real girlfriend; most women don’t give a shit about flowers and a ring! Those things are nice but here’s what I want from my future husband:

Don’t expect me to cook every single meal.  I can cook a meal, and I don’t mind doing it. In fact, there are times when I enjoy it. But mama needs a break now and then. Order a pizza, bring home Chinese food, or attempt something you saw on the Food Network. Just give me a break a few nights a week! And please, don’t make me ask for it. If I have to ask you screwed up and now you owe me both dinner and a massage.

Please be able to work the washer and dryer. Let’s make a deal okay? We can take turns doing laundry. That way, we each get a break from it. Here’s the thing though; you really need to know when to presoak, when to separate and when things should and should not go in the dryer. If you mess this up and turn my favorite cream-colored sweater pink because you forgot to separate the whites from the brights, then the deal is off. And you will owe me dinner, a massage and probably a replacement sweater with matching accessories.

Please be able to see dirt. I used to date this guy in university who had beer goggles for dirt. For real, his apartment was so scuzzy and he couldn’t see the grime. I actually dreaded taking my shoes off at his place. If the floor needs to be swept, sweep it. If the dishwasher needs to be emptied, don’t wait for me to do. If you clean the bathroom there’s a 97.64% chance you’ll get laid that night.

Try to remember important dates. You don’t need to remember the anniversary of the first time we kissed or the first time we went to the movies, because I won’t remember that shit either. But you should be able to remember my birthday, our anniversary and if I have children with you; their birthday’s and mother’s day. I don’t need extravagant gifts. Give me a card, a bottle of wine and 60 uninterrupted minutes in the tub and you have succeeded.

Keep the fridge stocked with wine and chocolate. When I am PMSing, there best be something sweet for me to indulge in or I might get super irritable, and by irritable I mean bitchy.  I get the biggest chocolate cravings ever when it’s that time of the month.  Chocolate keeps me happy, wine keeps me sane. Always have those two items at the top of the grocery list.

Oh, and if I end up pregnant …well I get a little cray cray when I’m pregnant. I will crave weird things like reuben sandwiches and fortune cookies at the same time (true story!) and I will cry at commercials and reruns of Friends. I’ll also probably complain a lot about my back aching, my feet swelling or getting fat. My advice is; be prepared to make late night trips to the grocery store and always have a lot of Kleenex on hand for my tears. Also, offer to give me back and foot rubs, and no matter how much I complain about gaining weight, tell me it’s hardly noticeable. Even if it looks like I’ve swallowed a watermelon on steroids.

So, future husband, if you are reading this, I hope I made myself clear. I’m not a total diva and I don’t think my expectations are super high. If you can do all of the things on this list I will be a very happy wife. If you go above and beyond this list, I can guarantee that I will go above and beyond for you as well. Oh, also future husband, I do have the most amazing daughter ever. She will probably have higher expectations than I do, but she’s a total gem and a package deal if you want anything to do with me.

I don’t know if my list could be turned into a revised version of Meghan Trainor’s song. Actually maybe we should just leave her song alone. She can take the guy who buys her flowers and a ring. I’d much rather a man who can cook and clean and remember my birthday. Besides, flowers are the most overrated gift ever. They die and end up in the garbage a week after you get them. Just keep the fridge stocked with chocolate and wine, future husband. I promise I will give you bedroom brownie points every time you do!

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