Over the past five years or so, I have noticed there is a new Christmas tradition that takes place in pretty much every household that has children. I have no idea where it came from and someone is obviously a marketing genius because it seems that everyone and their dog has an Elf on the Shelf.
I do not like the Elf on the Shelf. There are so many things about it that annoy me and I could probably go on all day about it. However, I’ve managed to condense my list down to the top five things that bug me about this little character.
Reason Number One: The Elf has the creepiest eyes I have ever seen! I am serious. Those eyes follow your every move. Want to subtly scratch your ass? Not if you are in the same room as the elf. I understand the concept of the elf needing eyes that can see everything and report back to Santa, but he’s going to have his back turned to the wall if I am in a room alone with him. I don’t need anyone judging me while I binge on chocolate and wine and watch three straight hours of Netflix. That’s my business!
Reason Number Two: I’m lazy and I don’t have time to come up with hiding spots. I am tired at the end of the day. Actually, I am usually beyond tired and am more like a zombie. After working all day, playing with my child all evening (AKA making sure she doesn’t break anything or hurt herself) and dealing with bedtime tantrums, I am practically comatose. I can barely remember to wear my retainers to bed let alone find a fun new hiding spot for the elf every day for three and a half weeks. I feel like the elf should come with an instruction manual so I can find new places to put him. (Please don’t tell me to look on Pinterest, that’s a very lethal addiction!)
Reason Number Three: I don’t want to clean up after him (apparently my elf is male). It seems like all of the elves have naughty behavior. I’m not exactly sure why, aren’t they supposed to be encouraging good behavior? Nevertheless, I always see pictures of elves making a mess with baking supplies, or moving things out of place or sitting in the sink with Barbie and having a bubble bath. This means two things. 1) I have to come up with the scenario (see above, I already described how lazy/tired I am). And 2) I have to clean that stuff up the next day. I am tired of cleaning; I clean up after a toddler all day every day. No way am I cleaning up after an elf that I have to shell out $30 for. Not happening. Aint’ nobody got time for that!
Reason Number Four: It’s a competition. While most of my friends are really sweet and post pictures of their elves to make people smile and to give ideas, I have seen ladies in mommy groups go to painful lengths to outdo each other. If one mommy takes a picture of her elf attempting to bake cookies, a few days later someone else takes a picture of their elf smugly sitting next to a completed gingerbread house with such fine detailing that it would shame Martha Stewart. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I want to compete over a freaking elf anyway. I’ll consider it a success if I remember to move it every day.
Reason Number Five: He will (inevitably) make me feel like a shitty mom. My daughter is going to wake up one morning and while I am busy trying to make lunches and get ready for work, she will excitedly be running about looking for her Elf. I won’t be able to stand the look of disappointment on her face if she finds him in the same place he was as the day before. It’s so much pressure! I know it shouldn’t be a big deal to remember to move him, but the truth is, is that I will forget and I can guarantee that when I forget I am going to feel really crappy about it.
So that’s my list. That being said, I’m not a total scrooge and will most likely give in to it in a few years when my daughter is old enough to understand the concept. I just hope that by then, I have my shit together and can remember to move him and at least attempt to be creative. Oh wait, here’s a potential creative idea: Maybe the elf could sit in my empty wine glass with chocolate smeared across his face? Ha! Yeah right, I don’t share my chocolate with anyone!!