I don’t like shopping. Okay, actually wait a second. Let me rephrase that. I don’t like shopping with a toddler. Shopping with a toddler is like trying to shovel while it’s snowing. You can’t get ahead. Whatever I put in the cart my toddler daughter throws out and when I am not looking she throws mystery items in. The cashier usually looks at me with a puzzled face when I start unloading the cart and realize my little darling has thrown in six containers of play dough and a bag of adult sized diapers. Thanks, kid.
All of that aside, I usually do take her shopping with me. She enjoys getting out and seeing people and sometimes she is super cute. She waves to people and pushes the cart (sometimes crashes it) and will occasionally blow someone a kiss.
Recently, I had to do some department store shopping. My daughter was with me and it started out well. We got groceries and then moved on to getting some Christmas presents. The store was quite busy but despite all of that, my daughter was doing well. She was occasionally picking things up but for the most part, she was happy and well behaved and was making the trip seem relatively easy.
When we got to the toy section I knew I was in trouble. She was running around and grabbing at everything. It was hard to keep up with her and even harder to pry some of the toys out of her hands, but I managed to get out of the toy section without any major meltdowns so I considered that to be a huge success.
Last stop was the baby department. I needed to pick up diapers and wipes. Of all the things I have to buy in the run of a month, diapers and wipes are my least favorite items to purchase. In the act of doing it, you are literally spending your money on shit. However, I tried not to focus on that because we were almost home free and all I had to do was grab a box of each, load them in the cart and then head to the checkouts.
I was browsing the shelves, looking for the brand of diapers I wanted when basically one of the hottest guys I have seen in a long time stopped right next to me and also began browsing the shelves, looking at the variety of diapers and wipes. Charlotte upped her adorableness by waving at him and smiling. I was trying to play it cool and not stare at him, so I focused really hard on looking at the diapers.
“Do you know where the Pampers Cruisers are?” I heard him ask the question and I turned and looked at him. He was even cuter when looking at him directly and had the nicest brown eyes. I smiled back and said “yup, they are right in front of you.” He looked confused and then I pointed at the box. He laughed and said “I don’t do this often. I don’t have kids and am picking these up for my sister.”
BONUS! If he doesn’t have kids then maybe he’s single? I know that’s a very presumptuous thing to think but at least he isn’t here shopping for his kids or wife.
I laughed and said “Yeah, the boxes all look the same.” Just then Charlotte pulled on my arm and I picked her up. She was almost eye level with Handsome Brown Eyes. He smiled at her and said “Hi cutie, what’s your name?” I told him her name was Charlotte and he said “Oh, you have the same name as a princess!”
Okay, this guy knows the name of the royal’s baby? Wow. He’s cute, he shops for his sister and he knows his pop culture. Marry me?
He smiled one last time as he picked up his box up diapers and started to walk away. I was wishing I had a way to continue our conversation but I felt like asking him if he was single was a touch too bold for a department store. Maybe if I had a few glasses of wine in me, but they tend to frown upon people being buzzed in Walmart.
As he walked away Charlotte started to squirm. When I set her down she took a few steps forward and let out the biggest and loudest fart I have ever heard. OMG! Did Handsome Brown Eyes hear that? He was only about 8 steps away. He turned around and looked me right in the eyes and laughed.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! It wasn’t me! I didn’t fart! I swear! It was the baby!!!!!!!
I wanted to yell it out but I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even form a sentence. By the time I got my thoughts together he was long gone and Charlotte was looking up at me with a big shitty grin on her face. I looked at her and burst out laughing. “Did you toot?” I asked her. She laughed and pointed at herself, as if taking credit for it.
I picked up the diapers and the wipes and put them and my darling daughter in the cart. Life has a funny way of making sure that all of the sweet and mushy moments with our children happen in private and all of the embarrassing and mortifying ones happen in public.
As we walked to the checkouts I saw him standing near the front of the one I was approaching. I have never turned a shopping cart in another direction so fast in all of my life. As we checked out at the next line my darling daughter farted AGAIN and everyone in the line burst out laughing. She laughed too and began pointing at herself. I could feel the warmness on my face and knew that I was 50 shades of red.
Needless to say, our next stop after the shitscapades at Walmart was the liquor store.
THANK GOD for wine!