Things you’ll never know

Last night I couldn’t sleep. My mind and heart were sad and the hurt I was feeling would not go away. Whenever I feel like this, I do what I always do.  I got up and watched my daughter sleep. My perfect, angelic little baby. She lay there so peacefully, breathing softly as sleep consumed her little body.  And as I watched her sleep, all I could think about was all of the things you’ll never know.

You’ll never know the sweetness of waking up with your newborn and rocking her back to sleep. Watching her little eyes drift off to dreamland as she sighs with contentment from falling asleep in your arms.

You’ll never know the amazing feeling you get when your baby recognizes you. They hear your voice and their eyes begin to search, looking at you, reaching for you. Wanting to be close to your chest so that they can hear your heartbeat and cuddle into your warmth.

You’ll never experience the distinct cry of your child, how you can pick it out from 1000 other babies. How that cry means they want you, they need you and that you have the power to make it all better.

You’ll never get the chance to see all of the firsts. The first smile, the first giggle, the first steps, the first words and the first Christmas. Those precious moments are gone and are my memories now. Things that I can cherish and remember for the rest of my life.

You’ll never know the happiness and joy that she experiences when she sees raindrops in the sky, birds in the yard, snowflakes in the air or feels sand on her toes.

You’ll never see the wonder on her face when she figures out something new. Just last week she learned how to jump. The pride on her face as she showed us her new skill was enough to melt my heart.

You’ll never feel the softness of her skin as she cuddles in close when she’s tired or sick. How she says my name because she trusts me to make her world better.  Because she knows I’ve always been there and always will be.

You’ll never be the person that tucks her in at night and sings her to sleep. Her big eyes gaze into mine as I sing our special song. The song that makes her smile and coo. The song that helps her fall asleep and as she does, she whispers my name and smiles the sweetest little smile that makes my world right when everything else is wrong.

You’ll never know how special she truly is. How she knows exactly when to give a hug, how she’ll reach for my hand when she wants to be close or how she’ll do something silly when I need to smile. She is so sensitive and caring and has the most loving heart.

 You’ll never know how much I love her. How much I worry about her, how much I care about her or how much I build my future around her. You’ll never know how many times I went without sleep, woke up through the night, went to work exhausted or gave more when I felt like I had nothing left. You’ll never really understand the ins and outs of being a parent every day and how exhausting yet rewarding that can be.

You’ll also never know the sacrifices I’ve made to make sure she knows nothing but love. I’ve surrounded myself with people who can give her exactly what she deserves. People who love her all of the time and make an effort to be there. People who also have busy, hectic and stressful schedules but put all of that aside to get to know her. To love her. And to be a constant and loving presence in her life. Love is free. It costs nothing yet it means everything.

The sadness I feel isn’t for me, and it isn’t even for my daughter. It’s for you. You’ve missed so much and continue to keep missing things. In fact, you aren’t just missing things. You’re missing everything.

Time will keep on moving forward and you’ll continue to live your life. But time is the one thing we can never get back. We can’t wish for it or buy it because once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. Time will move forward for me too, and I’ll continue to live my life. Only I’ll get to live my life with this amazing little person who gives me these moments and memories that I’ll savor and cherish. But for you, those moments don’t exist. None of it does. Because it’s all things you’ll never know.